I’ve been dreading this post. I’ve been busy, bogged down, tired and worn. I don’t want to write, but as the summer draws to a close and we’re nearing school starting I find that I must. If for no other reason to eliminate some questions, curiosities and redundant story telling.
I’m going to try and make this short. It’s all a bit overwhelming and emotionally charged.
At the beginning of this summer we graciously accepted an offer of respite. If you are not sure of that tale, check here for that post. The summer has been a good one, relaxing, a time to reconnect, breath and plan. I have enjoyed it with an apprehensive heart, knowing that at some point the summer would draw to a close and decisions would need to be made. You can read here all about the wonderful home that Miss has been spending her summer. How she’s thriving and growing in this wonderful host families home.
After much discussion, therapy, meetings, prayer and thought it has been decided that Miss will be staying permanently with her host family. They have not only opened their home, but their hearts to our daughter. She is doing wonderfully, she will heal, she will become the woman God designed her to be, she will have a great story of redemption. It just won’t be with us. It was an agonizing decision, knowing that we just can not provide what she needs to move forward. It has been heartbreaking, disappointing and a dark sort of surreal. We are, however, beyond blessed to know that where she is, is truly where she should be. It is not without it’s struggles, we’ve let her down, we’ve hurt her with this news, but the trauma of us not being forever, is much less I think than the trauma of arguing, fighting and sadness each and every day of your existence.
There is so much to share, but frankly we’re all a bit weary of it all. It’s so raw and fresh.
You will see that I have altered our daughters name and removed many of the pictures – to respect her privacy and the privacy of the host family. Each of these changes is like a kick in the stomach, knocking the wind out of us a little more. A year ago we were preparing to meet our daughter, never would I ever imagine a year later we’d be saying good bye.
At the end of it all, we can not fathom God’s plan in all this. We obediently answered a call. Put our blood, sweat, tears and resources behind it and yet here we are in the end. I will not pretend to make sense of it all – we’ve tried to “logically” explain it all out. At the end of the day this hurts, we hurt, she hurts, but we will all heal. We will continue to obediently serve, regardless of the sense that it makes to us. What I have learned, along the way, is that I do not take my family for granted. I do not let the sun go down without saying I love you as many times as I can. I do not go to sleep at night without counting all of my blessings, even the ones I don’t understand. God is faithful.
The 6 Pages are back to 5. What a journey it has been.
Thank you to all of our closest friends and family, who’ve walked this journey with us. You have been a blessing and I know that we could not feel more supported or loved. It is amazing to me, in retrospect, to see the wonderful, unfailing love you’ve all provided us with.
I thought it was time to post a little update at our midpoint of summer. I’ve had the blessed opportunity to see several family and friends in the last few weeks due to gatherings, weddings and reunions. However, since there are several people who do actually read this blog (when I find the time, energy and inclination to write) and I feel as though I owe it to them to provide a little insight into our world, right now.
We are on week four, the midpoint if you will into our respite this summer. Not sure what I’m talking about? Check out this post for details. We are well, in fact, everyone is doing amazingly well.
We fell immediately back into our comfortable patterns and routines. The lazy days of summer – sleeping in, hanging out, swimming, riding bikes and the endless arrangements of sleepovers and playdates. For me, it was an immediate weight lifted, the stress and tension of how each day will go, the flurry of ideas to keep people entertained and busy so idle minds wouldn’t wreak havoc or allow for chaos to ensue, was gone. It has been a bittersweet reminder of life as it was 7 months ago. Easy, happy, relaxed. Now before you think that we don’t have endless arguments over X-Box time, chores, technology breaks and bedtimes, let me assure you that the legislation that goes on each day at the Page Ranch is nothing short of bill negotiations on the House floor. My children can argue, and generally have a damn good argument to support their cause. I like to believe I’m fostering positive negotiating skills rather than the irritating filibustering of smallish politicians.
Most importantly, Miss is THRIVING. She’s doing great, and by great I mean amazing. She is happy, she is active, she has found purpose and anonymity in her host home. It is again bittersweet to see all things she is doing with and for her host family. She is an amazing caregiver and loves the company of her peers – when you are one of 6 teenagers and four of those are Ethiopian – you have a recipe for success! We are happy to see her doing so well and reminds us of what drove us to adopt Miss in the first place. We felt called and drawn to her – whether you are spiritual or not, that is the only way I can explain it. We fought for her and rallied with other families to get her and other older children’s files processed as quickly as possible so that they could be freed from the institutional environments they were living in. We wanted to provide her hope and purpose and a chance at life that would not be possible otherwise. We don’t get a choice on how our lives are brought into this world, but it sure is nice when something sees value in us and allows us an opportunity to chose how we get to live it. Purpose, choice, love, joy, hope – these are the feelings and emotions we wanted to provide, guide and teach Miss.
What we have learned on this journey is that none of those are things we can teach her. We were mistaken. Those things, those feelings and emotions are learned, absorbed and occur because we FEEL them. How do you teach a feeling? Sure you can use that darling chart with all those faces to help someone associate their feelings with a word or a name, but I can’t teach someone to feel hope anymore than I can feel your toothache or your stubbed toe. I can talk about what hope feels like, I can provide stories where characters find hope, but I can’t actually teach a person hope. Some may disagree. But to live amongst hope, to see it in action each day, to see people, with backgrounds just like yours to live it. Well that my friends is a powerful tutorial, far deeper and more concise than any chart or story. We are thrilled that Miss is learning and growing by her environment, but there is still so much growth to be had.
We are still seeking tools, therapy, and guidance during this summer respite, but it is discouraging and heartbreaking. As we hear about her successes, it is clear there are somethings we can not be. We can not be Ethiopian. We do not have multiple teenagers and nor will we in the time that she is a teen. We do not have any children that require special caregiving or nurturing. We have younger children that require a different level of care and discipline that is contrary to what Miss needs as she works through her history and works toward her future. There are things that we as a family just do not and can not possess.
So we ask that you continue to pray, thinking of us, as we continue on our respite. We ask that what is best, what is right for all of us continue to be revealed. We appreciate everyone who has walked and continues to walk with us on our journey. I am grateful for the support, it matters more than you can understand.
I’ve been blessed the last few years to celebrate Father’s Day not only with my husband and father to our kiddos, but my dad as well. This year was even better because we shared it with my brother, on his first Father’s Day and my sister in law’s dad, Bob, as well. We spent the day sitting on the deck, visiting and hanging out. Enjoying the kids and the time together. Couple that with some Big Hoffa’s BBQ and you have a wonderful, nearly perfect day.
Then you realize you have no pictures of your husband and said children. Trust me he was there – his day started with breakfast in bed, heavy on the bacon, showered with gifts and then more grilled meat and sweets for grazing the rest of the day. It was a happy day, and I for one could not be happier that Ryan, my love, is our father to celebrate. Thanks for making it easy!
In my down time I had a the delightful opportunity to paint a canvas for a friend from High School’s new kitchen and for my dear friend Janel’s sweet grandmother’s birthday.
LOVE this quote – I have it on one of my chalkboard cabinets in my kitchen. It’s a marvelous daily reminder. Michelle contacted me and asked for me to pull something together based on the palette of her newly updated kitchen. I love when people give me complete creative freedom. I’m happy with the result and it’s looks great on Michelle’s fresh, new kitchen. I pray it is a wonderful reminder for her and her beautiful family as they sit down each day and enjoy time together at the dinner table.
Janel is one of my most favorite people to do paintings for, first because she always seems to have something for me to do, and second she just trusts me – which is an awesome compliment. She mentioned to me late in the spring that her grandmother’s birthday was in June and wondered if I could think of something that would work for a woman with a strong faith and a large legacy of love and family at the center of it all. I came across this verse earlier this year and just love it. I tried to make the verse the focus, while adding a bit a delicacy to keep it pretty. Well, grandma loved her painting and it’s one of my favorites too. It’s something I keep committed to mind when I take for granted all my blessings.
Thanks ladies for the opportunity to create something for you and your family!
There is just something about being outside. Away from phones, TV, Xbox, iPads. The birds, the water rushing, the crackling of a fire. I’m not a tremendously outdoorsy girl, but I can sit in a chair and read outside with the best of them. I read something recently about people in today’s society being incapable of just sitting and being. I excel at that. I like to think it’s modeling good behavior with for my kids. I mean, I’m a mover, don’t get me wrong. But when I’m ready to sit, I am READY TO SIT. It’s been years since we went camping. One night of no sleep, naughty toddlers and forgetting essential items is enough to swear off camping until everyone is bigger, more responsible and capable of staying in one space without talking and/or killing their siblings. We decided it was high time to try it again. So we did, it’s what I’d like to call camping with training wheels – it’s a step up from camping in your backyard, but not so big that you are more than 20 minutes away from home. We went to the White River Campgrounds just north of us and it was a great time. Finally, a successful camping trip under our belts! It was low key, easy going, with no agenda. Perfect. I’ll let our pictures show you the rest:
Isn’t this beautiful?
So apparently a jumbo marshmallow, is too jumbo for smores.
99.9% of the time this is reality. Drew, the comedian.
I know it probably comes as a surprise, but Drew isn’t big on cardo. This 2 mile hike was a humdinger, but the big fella prevailed and he’s ready for the next adventure!